


Not Yet

by Yallsehood



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Aroromantic Logan, Asexual Logan, Bullying, Coming Out, Cuddles, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Ftm Virgil, Gay, Happy Ending, Highschool AU, Highschool Angst, Highschool Sides, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), Hurt Virgil, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Arophobia, Janus Arboc, Kisses, LGBT, Light Angst, Logan Neuro, Logan’s very rich, M/M, Minor Logan Angst, Panic Attacks, Platonic Analogical - Freeform, Platonic LAMP - Freeform, Platonic Logicality - Freeform, Platonic Logicality cuddles, Prinxiety - Freeform, Prinxiety Fluff, Rich Logan, Roman Knightly, Roman comforting Virgil, Sad Virgil, Sassy Virgil, Spooning, Swearing, They are juniors in high school, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Trans Male Character, Trans Patton, Trans Virgil, Virgil Angst, Virgil Storm - Freeform, Virgil throws up, Vomit, ace Patton, aroace logan, asexual Patton, background moceit, binders, corefour - Freeform, cute Prinxiety, ftm patton, patton hart - Freeform, petnames, throw up, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:20:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26797984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yallsehood/pseuds/Yallsehood
Summary: The corefour stay the night over at Logan’s house the day before the school decides to have an LGBT education day. Virgil thinks this is perfect opportunity to come out of the closet, but he realizes he’s not coming out for himself. Still, he’s watched his friends come out over the years. Why can’t he?
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 66





	Not Yet

**Author's Note:**

> Edit Note: in the beginning of the fic it’s mentioned Virgil’s binder was washed. It was handwashed by one of Logan’s staff members! Just for clarification 
> 
> Happy reading!

Why did everyone have everything so figured out? Everyone seemed so perfect, and finding their identities put them in this perfect little box. Everyone appeared to be so proud of who they were. It was so difficult to be prideful, but it wasn’t necessarily because Virgil thought it was a bad thing. It was just difficult for him to want to be himself since he feared the judgement of others. He knew some of his friends did not seem to care much at all about others; after all, seuxality did not define someone’s entire life. 

Patton Hart was a homoromantic, asexual, transgender guy, and he shrugged off everything his haters had ever said to him. Patton was hoping to see the same confidence in Virgil someday. The rest of the friend group did as well. Logan Neuro carried around pride because why should he care what others thought about him? He was already the nerdiest kid at school, so he’s seen worse bullying before. Logan was aroace, and Virgil admired his strength. He had seen Logan’s locker with absolutely heinous graffiti on it. Lastly, there was Roman Knightly. He was a flaming homosexual. He tried to hide it the first two years of highschool, but he was now out with pride. Roman’s father wasn’t thrilled, but had come to accept him anyhow. 

Virgil knew coming out took strength, but he had watched all of his friends slowly come out over the years. As scary as it was, he could handle it, right? Well.. he was really hoping so. It was a slow coming out process for him. Virgil told his best friend, Logan, he thought he might be transgender back in ninth grade, and a few months later he told Patton. Lastly, he told Roman at the end of freshman year, and also slipped in the fact he had a huge crush on him. At the time, Roman was still in a huge denial about his own identity, so he and Virgil had only begun dating in the beginning of junior year. That had kept it out of the public eye, but that was all for the sake of Virgil needing time to come out. Virgil was already horrendously bullied for being emo, being anxious, or just overall being a quiet guy. It was a lot to handle. 

Currently, Virgil was sitting in Logan’s bedroom bathroom and looking at himself in the mirror. It was the last few weeks of junior year; Virgil Storm was finally ready to show everyone the real him. The school was actually having a little pride event for students since the principal thought the school needed to be educated more about the LGBT community. He took a deep breath as he ran his fingers through his short, wavy, purple hair. He heard Logan knock on the door and he looked over at him. “Yeah, L?”

“Your binder is just getting out of the wash now. We still have forty-five minutes until we need to leave for school. Are you coming down for breakfast?” Logan questioned as he noted how shaky Virgil’s hands were. 

“I um… I don’t know if I can.” Virgil started, and maybe he was referring to something else. Would he really be able to handle this? It wasn’t like he had anyone else to come out to, and he couldn’t stand the sound of his deadname any longer. This was for the best even if he may face ridicule. He will always have his loved ones behind him.

“Come down for breakfast or go to school today?”

“I feel sick…”

“Virgil.”

The emo swallowed. He gripped the sink he was standing at and looked at his own feet for a moment. He had to close his purple eyes in hopes of clearing his mind, but the negative thoughts were flooding him right now. “I need a minute.” He mumbled almost inaudibly. Luckily enough, Logan heard him. 

Logan gave a nod and told him breakfast was in the dining room if he wanted any before leaving Virgil in complete silence. All the boys had stayed at Logan’s last night to support Virgil and just make sure he was doing okay. It worked out since Logan lived in such a large house. He was the richest guy in school, so they all got to sleep in their own bedrooms. Well, Virgil and Roman ended up sharing a bedroom since Virgil wanted cuddles from his boyfriend last night. In truth, Virgil didn’t sleep that much, but his anxiety was through the roof today nonetheless. Something inside of him was warning him today was not going to go his way. 

Downstairs, Logan had joined the other two at the breakfast table. “Virgil said he needed a moment. From the looks of it, his toothbrush was still dry. I think he is having a rough morning.” Logan explained to the other two as he sat down. 

Roman was cutting up the strawberry waffles that were on his plate. He nodded as his sleepy brain tried to process what Logan was saying. He had barely had any of his coffee yet. “Do you know how he is?” Roman was concerned about Virgil. “I tried to sing him to sleep last night.” 

“Awe!” Patton cooed after taking a sip of the apple juice he was drinking. He thought Roman was always so sweet to Virgil. “He was telling me how much he loved your singing voice when I was cutting his hair a few days ago.”

That got Roman to blush quite deeply. He knew Virgil asked him to sing, but he didn’t know his boyfriend liked his voice that much. “That’s… so sweet of him.” There was a fond smile on Roman’s face that was slowly starting to spread as he thought of Virgil’s flustered face when he spoke to Patton.

Patton sighed dreamily. “I hope I find someone as special to me as you two are to each other.” Patton was a bit of a hopeless romantic. He had his eyes set on a classy lad known by the name Janus Arboc at school. He just didn’t think he had a shot with the guy who was labeled as a bad boy and a player. 

Logan got quiet as he tried to get himself some food to eat. Honestly, he never knew what to say in conversations like these because he knew he would never experience love - not in the way his friends would. Part of Logan was so mad at himself for being the way he was. There was nothing wrong with himself, but he was so angry. Of course platonic love was enough for him; he just felt so abnormal. Logan had been called heartless for so long, and he hated that this was partially true now. Was he just some sort of monster?

No, that couldn’t be true. Logan was different, and that was totally okay. He had come terms with that over the years of discovering who he is, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t valid. Logan would be just fine. He just sometimes put himself down when he heard Roman and Patton talk like this. Logan just reminded himself that there was nothing wrong with being aromantic.

“I am sure you will find someone who will treat you right, Patton.”

“Thanks, LoLo.” Patton hummed. 

A silence had fallen over the breakfast table, but not because of any kind of awkwardness. There were footsteps upstairs that were quick and loud. Roman went to get up, but Patton tugged Roman’s hand so he would sit down. “Virgil will tell us if he needs us.” Patton assured Roman. 

Of course Roman knew that, but he got nervous. He knew Virgil would say something if he needed someone; the charismatic teen still worried for Virgil. Roman knew coming out was a big deal, and he didn’t want all of this to be too stressful on Virgil. If he wasn’t ready to come out to the public, then it could wait. 

That was when one of Logan’s servants came downstairs and whispered in Logan’s ear about the commotion upstairs. Usually, the nerd wasn’t extremely expressive with his facial expressions, but his brows had furrowed in worry. “Roman, you need to go upstairs.” Logan said confirming Roman was right for trying to get up earlier. 

Quickly, Roman followed the member of Logan’s staff upstairs to the bathroom Virgil was in; that was when he heard his emo nightmare throwing up. His heart cringed at the sound. He had a feeling this might be too much for his love. He gently knocked on the bathroom door. “Virgil, sweetheart?” 

The emo was panting as he got up and went to the sink. He had flushed the toilet so some of the vomit smell would fade away. He washed his mouth after opening the door for Roman. Virgil didn’t look well whatsoever. His hands were shaking a mile a minute, he looked a bit paler than normal, and he couldn’t seem to catch his breath. Virgil was sure none of these symptoms would go unnoticed by his prince-like boyfriend. 

For a moment, Roman just remained silent as he sat on the bathroom floor. He was sure that was where Virgil would want to sit down, and it was close to the toilet bowl in case Virgil needed to throw up again. He waited for Virgil to shut off the sink water. “Anxiety, hun?”

It took Virgil a moment to respond. It was as if his brain was buffering. He nodded as he sat on the floor next to Roman instead of sitting in his lap. This was just a sign Virgil wasn’t ready for physical touch just yet. He tried to relax as his back could feel how cold the bathroom wall was against his back. Virgil was a naturally cold person, but the coolness of the wall did cause him to gasp softly. Somehow Logan’s bathroom wall was colder than him. The gasp caused him to take a deep breath; this gave Virgil a start to catching his breath. 

Roman waited for Virgil to speak or initiate contact. He knew Virgil could ground himself no problem, and he seemed he wanted some silence for now. It was difficult for Roman to resist humming a tune. He waited a few more minutes before offering his hand to Virgil, and much to Roman’s surprise? Virgil hugged him tightly. Roman gently wrapped his arms around his emo boyfriend. It was tight enough that Virgil could feel secure, but loose enough that Virgil could pull away if he needed space. Silently, Roman watched as Virgil nuzzled into his chest and listened to his heartbeat. Roman knew that was another thing that helped Virgil calm down, so he didn’t say anything. Roman made sure his breathing was even so heartbeat would be steady. 

For a moment, Virgil thought this was all he needed. He could remain in Roman’s arms and listen to his heart. For a moment, all of Virgil’s worries were melting away, but that was when he became aware of everything. Virgil’s stomach was in knots, and he could still hear his stomach acid bubbling again. His own heart rate was picking up; he was also aware of his ribs shaking. He was sure that he was worrying Roman like crazy. “Roman..”

“Right here, baby.” Roman said softly. He gently rubbed Virgil’s back as he looked down at the slightly smaller male. “I’m not going anywhere. You take as long as you need.” Roman said, and he was trying to speak as softly as possible. He wanted to make sure Virgil took his time to calm down.

The reassurance from his boyfriend was highly appreciated by Virgil. He just had to take a deep breath to relax. With time, everything would be alright, so there was no rush for Virgil to calm down. The emo ended up taking a few more minutes with his shut; he listened to Roman’s heartbeat the whole time. 

After a few more minutes, Virgil looked up at Roman through his purple bangs. “I don’t think I’m ready for this, babe.” Virgil said softly. He had expressed similar concerns to Roman the night before they agreed to see how he felt in the morning. 

Roman gently moved the bangs out of Virgil’s face so he could admire his beautiful boyfriend. There was an understanding look on Roman’s face, but there was still so much concern in his hazel eyes. “Is that why you threw up, babe?” Roman asked in response. He knew sometimes Virgil and him could get into the rhythm of calling each other babe that it would become the only thing they said back and forth to one another, and it would make the normally grumpy emo laugh quite a bit. Roman had a feeling that wouldn’t happen this morning, but he still had to give Virgil all sorts of pet names. 

Slowly, Virgil nodded as he tried to think of how to explain himself to Roman. He knew he didn’t have to; he felt as if Roman did deserve an explanation after all of this. “I think so, yeah, sweetheart.” He muttered. “I couldn’t stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen when I came out… I don’t know, Roman. This is all too much, and it was like I was suffocating. I’m sure you know the rest from there.” 

Roman did nod at that. Virgil had described panic attacks plenty of times to Roman, so he was familiar with Virgil’s description of them. “I do, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you throw up as a sign of anxiety.”

“Yeah… it has only happened once before, and it’s when it gets very bad.” Virgil explained as he rubbed his eyes. All of the negative thoughts were causing Virgil some terrible exhaustion. “I just think this might be a little bit overwhelming.”

“I don’t know if I could fully understand, Virge, but you know I support you and whatever you want to do with your life.” Roman explained to him and tried to just show Virgil he would always be for him no matter what. Virgil meant the world to Roman. “I know I was scared to come out, and it was a little slow for me. I started with my friends before my family… but you remember how scared I was?”   
“I do…” Virgil exhaled. He still remembered the day Roman came out as homosexual. It was clearly a lot for Roman to deal with, and it was the first time Virgil had ever seen the tan skinned male almost as pale as him. Virgil could tell getting his secret off of his chest so he could be his true self; as much as Roman feared judgement, it was clear there was a weight lifted off of Roman’s shoulders. Virgil wanted to feel that. He wanted to feel free… free to no longer hide away from the world. 

Could Virgil really go another day of using a deadname and pronouns that didn’t suit him? He wasn’t so sure about that, but he wasn’t ready to do this today. Virgil’s head spun as he almost began to panic again, but he attempted to silence his brain. He was sure everything would be alright. His panic hadn’t fully subsided because he got out of Roman’s lap to throw up into the toilet bowl again. 

As terrible as the sounds were, Roman just sat beside Virgil. Usually seeing someone else throw up would cause Roman to throw up as well, but he was keeping himself together for Virgil’s sake. He gently rubbed Virgil’s back to make sure he would be okay. He kept those gorgeous purple bangs out of his beloved boyfriend’s face. He saw the tears stinging Virgil’s eyes. “Does it hurt, baby?”   
“Yeah… my throat fucking burns.”

“We’ll get you some water, baby. I’ll text Logan right now, and I am sure we can get you some no problem.” Roman said and took out his phone. “Do you want to move to our guest bedroom and lay down to talk?”

It took Virgil a moment to respond because throwing up was honestly very draining, and he was trying to regain his breath. He nodded, and Roman scooped up his boyfriend up bridal style because that was what he deserved. Roman walked to the guest bedroom and laid Virgil down on the bed. He heard Logan knock and turned around to see Patton and Logan standing there. The two were completely ready for school now. Logan was in a short sleeved polo and a blue argyle sweater vest with black slacks on; Patton was wearing a white flowy skirt with a blue sweater on. He had a wet scarf around his neck, and there was a white scarf around his neck that matched his skirt. Patton was comfortable enough with his own femininity to the point where he felt as if he could wear a skirt. “I brought the water.” Logan stated.

Roman thanked him as he took it for him. “How much longer until we have to leave?” He asked quietly. He didn’t want Virgil to be late if he still felt up for going to school, but Roman wasn’t going to push. 

Logan looked down at the watch on his wrist to check. “We have about fifteen minutes, but I can push it back to twenty if you need more time.” Logan offered. He lived far away from the school, and Logan had a club meeting to get to that morning before school actually started. “I can push it back furher if you two want to stay here, or you can always come in the car. If Virgil does not feel up to going to school, I can chauffeur drive him back here, or both of you.”

Logan’s kindness was extremely admirable. Roman was very thankful, and he was sure Virgil was too. Roman sat on the edge of the guest bed close to Virgil as he set the glass of water down on the nightstand. “What do you think, Virge?”

Virgil took a deep breath. He was cuddled up under a warm blanket with his head on a pillow. He looked over at his two best friends before looking back at Roman. “I think… I think I need to stay back today. I don’t feel well after everything.”

Patton nodded as he felt terrible for Virgil. “You take your time to feel better, okay, kiddo?” Patton said and saw Virgil nod. “Do you want anything while LoLo and I are at school? We can always pick it up on your way back.”

“Oh, I’ll be fine, Patt. It’s just my anxiety.”

“You say that as if anxiety is something easy to handle.” Logan stated, picking up on the tone of Virgil’s voice. He knew Virgil struggled a lot and it was difficult for the emo to open up. Still, him and Virgil had been best friends since kindergarten, so it was not hard for Logan to figuratively read how Virgil was feeling. “Do you need to talk?”

Honestly, yes. Virgil did need to talk this out, but he wanted to talk to his boyfriend and his boyfriend alone. Maybe after some time he would be ready to open up to Patton and Logan, but he had to start small. “I’ll talk to, Roman.”

Patton looked over at Roman. He trusted the charismatic teen with a lot, so the sweet young male in a white skirt wasn’t too nervous. They were all leaving Virgil in good hands. “Please, tell us if either of you need anything, and make sure Virgil gets the support and love he needs.” He hummed and then looked at Virgil. “We love you and you’re valid, kiddo.” 

Virgil slowly nodded as he sat up and drank water. He really appreciated that he had such a wonderful support system. “Thank you.” He muttered before he sipped his water. As rough as this morning was, he had a feeling the rest of his day was going to be a lot better. 

Patton figured Virgil likely didn’t want any hugs right now. He would save it for another time when Virgil was more comfortable maybe. “I know you’re going to miss out on the school’s pride assembly and pride education day, but I’ll make sure to take photos of all the important parts! Besides, we can go to our actual local pride festival when it comes, okay?”

“Okay, okay…” Virgil exhaled and felt Roman come sit on the other side of him on the bed so they could be cozy. “I’ll talk to you two later then?”

Logan nodded as he adjusted the school bag that was strapped around his body. Logan did not use a regular backpack; the man used a messenger bag for school. “Of course. You two can always ask my staff for anything. They have told me that you two are absolutely wonderful to them, and for that I thank you.” He hummed. “Do not be afraid to ask for anything at all.”

A soft chuckle fell from Roman’s lips. “So much reassurance flying around.” He hummed softly as he felt Virgil lean against him. Roman wrapped his arms around Virgil and looked over at the two in the doorway. “Goodbye, fellas.” 

Logan and Patton left the two lovebirds alone for the rest of the day, but Patton could be heard asking for platonic cuddles during the drive to school in the back of Logan’s limo since he had a chauffeur. Patton often used physical touch as his love language, so Logan would be happy to comply this morning. Honestly, he could go for some good platonic cuddles after the thoughts that had been rattling in his brain that morning. 

Speaking of cuddling, Virgil had rested his head against Roman’s chest once again. “I really don’t want to live another day as someone I’m not, Ro.”

“I know, sweetheart. I can see the decision eating you alive when you said you didn’t want to go to school today.” Roman was gently rubbing Virgil’s side and kissed his forehead gently. “You aren’t ready yet and that’s okay.”

Virgil had to encourage himself to take a deep breath. As much as he wanted to be able to be himself, he had to do it for himself. He couldn’t do it for anyone else. “I suppose I just need a little time.”   
“Take that time, Virgil.” Roman said looking into his eyes. “Coming out is not going to be as nice as you think it is if you are not doing it yourself. You have to be ready, Virgil.” He explained to him, and Virgil agreed. “You know that Patton, Logan, and I will  _ always _ have your back. If you just need to hear your preferred name, we are here, or even if you are having a bad dysphoria day and need some sort of distraction. All three of us are here. You also know I’m here to tell you how handsome you are…”

Virgil’s heart was a flutter. “I know, and I’m thankful for all of you.” He hummed as he leaned into Roman a little more. “I’m glad… that all of you aren’t pushing this. I really wanted to do this today, but I’m not ready.”

Roman nodded in understanding. He remembered when Logan had moments of being very determined to come out publicly, but then he would completely shut down for a few days. Coming out was a process; coming out was not a race. Roman was going to make sure Virgil knew this was okay. “You’re always valid, babe.” He hummed. “Did you want to talk about more of what triggered your panic attack?”

Virgil shook his head. “No, I think I just need to take a day off from the outside world.” The anxious teen explained. He knew when he needed to take time to step back and take care of himself. “Would that be alright by you?”   
“Don’t ask for permission.” Roman hummed. He gently kissed Virgil’s face and saw a gentle smile come across his face. Maybe Virgil was already starting to feel a little bit better. “You want to do some self care today? That’s fine.” He hummed. “We can maybe do some yoga, I could give a massage, we could have a spa day, or we can just eat junk food and watch movies. Some wouldn’t consider that self care, but that could be fun!” Roman’s face was starting to let up the more he spoke. “We could even watch some Disney. I think Logan has Disney+! Can you imagine how many-”

Quickly, Roman was cut off as his emo boyfriend kissed him on the lips. The kiss was chaste, but it was enough to shut Roman up. Virgil smiled against Roman’s soft lips. “You are so adorable when you go on Disney rambles.” He muttered. “Can we just start with a movie and cuddles? I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. You fell asleep before I did.”

Roman softly grumbled as he grabbed the television remote. “I know. I did a terrible job helping you fall asleep last night; there is no need to remind me of my failure.”

“Oh hush.” Virgil muttered as he gently kissed Roman’s cheek. “You did a wonderful job. Besides, we were cuddling in my second favorite cuddle position.” He hummed as he ran his hands through his own hair.

Roman gave a mischievous smile. “Is that you asking to be spooned again, baby?” He asked softly. “Maybe I can rub that upset stomach of yours.”

Normally, Virgil despised his stomach being touched, but something was comforting about the thought of Roman’s thumb gently rubbing his stomach. Virgil felt as if it was still in knots. He nodded slowly. He allowed for Roman to set the movie up. “When Patton and Logan get home, do you think we could share coming out stories?”   
Roman turned on one of the Disney princess movies before laying down to be Virgil’s big spoon. He planted gentle kisses onto Virgil’s head as he spoke. Roman wanted to shower Virgil in love and affection. “If you think it will help you, I don’t see why not.”

As Roman’s thumb started to slowly stroke over Virgil’s knotted stomach, some tension released for his shoulders. He nodded to Roman’s statement since he really did believe that hearing about the others’ stories will help him continue on his tough path. He knew his coming out would differ from his friends’ but he was still curious. Virgil was sure if his friends were willing to share, he would learn something valuable. Eventually, he would be ready to come out, and he would come out for himself. Not anyone else. 

For now, Virgil was actually starting to drift off into a sleep. It had started when Roman sang the opening song to the movie softly as he played with Virgil’s hair. Roman might have failed the night before, but he was getting Virgil to sleep now. He’d make sure Virgil had a relaxing day. Honestly, Roman was happy Virgil had recognized he wasn’t ready to come out yet. This wasn’t something that should be rushed. 

Everyone had their own stories and struggles, but they were there to support each other. Logan, Roman, Virgil, and Patton would always let each other know they were valid because that was the truth. Roman couldn’t wait for the day for Virgil to finally be as proud of himself as he was of him. Roman knew Virgil was strong for enduring all of the hardships he had throughout his life, and Virgil was so strong. Today was a big step too. Virgil knew when it was time to take a step back, and he didn’t rush a decision that would change his life. 

Slowly, Roman had fallen asleep with his sleeping beauty in his arms. His head was full of dreams of the future. A world where they would face no adversity of either of their identities and they could just love each other. Roman hoped for more days like these, but without them starting with a panic attack. Days filled with cuddles, love, and good vibes. Roman wanted to give his boyfriend the world… and days like these just reminded Roman that Virgil was his entire universe. 

Logan and Patton did not come home until much later. They received a text from Roman explaining Virgil did want to discuss what coming out meant to each of them, but when Logan peeked into the bedroom to find the couple sleeping, he ultimately decided an important conversation like that could wait. The two of them deserved to enjoy their peaceful nap. He thought he might take one himself. The afternoon was full of a calm mood; it was a mood all four of the teens were hoping would stay for awhile. More than likely something would happen to ruin how relaxed everyone was, but that story was for another day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is just a quick little oneshot I wanted to write because I see a lot of fics about coming out with trans!sides, but soemtimes you’re just not ready to come out! That’s completely valid too. As I said in the fic, coming out is not a race. Make sure to take care of yourselves.
> 
> All of you are valid to be who you are. Stay safe, stay healthy! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this oneshot. I’ll see you all when I upload next! Feel free to tell me what you thought.


End file.
